Self Worth and First Generation University Studies

How can I accept and incorporate my reality as a first generation female university graduate and continue to build the highway towards authentic self worth and self empowerment?

There are several angles to this part of my life. The angle where I actually pass through this stage and also the next stage, but with great hurdles and massive difficulties. The angle where life takes me to different places and I struggle to admit to this in front of different kinds of people. The angle where I use this to learn and grow as a person.

Being a first generation female university graduate – though appearing to be a small element of my story – has had a massive, perhaps colossal impact on my life.

I was much more fixated on achievement and driving myself into different levels of achievement, regardless of the barriers or the consequences. I wanted to break this glass ceiling with all my might, and I did, last summer, in August 2018, when I graduated with my bachelor’s degree. I feel proud, happy and overjoyed at the fact that this glass ceiling has been broken. My journey on this road of life has been of constant challenges and tribulations, and I am deeply glad to have shattered something I was silently extremely afraid I would not reach.

Being a first generation female employee has had an even more massive impact on my life.

This was another glass ceiling shattered, when I started working at my first job. I am blessed to have kept going and growing at the pace that I have and shattered glass ceilings along the way. I am deeply Glad and blessed to have had these opportunities in my life. I can only hope, pray and fight to keep going in life. That is the hope and the dream.

There are always two sides to the coin – the side one sees and the side one doesn’t.

I do deal with a lot of internalized shame and rage at having to deal with this glass ceiling in my life – an added glass ceiling, an added challenge which was avoidable. It was avoidable because I could have been a second generation university graduate. My caregiver, unfortunately, was married before they could begin university. This thought brings me a massive amount of rage. It is unfair to women to be made victim of deeply unfair sociocultural inequalities – especially if they are avoidable and most especially, if they have an impact on the next generation. The impact of what happened to my caregiver has a direct effect on my day to day existence. The glass ceilings I have to break. The efforts I have to place into my life to network, push myself and work hard to build my own career. I was and am extremely jealous of peers who have not had to break this glass ceiling.

Breaking glass ceilings are lonely exercises. People don’t see or appreciate the extra mental, physical and emotional effort you put in to achieve the same results they do. I was never given this appreciation or this reward for the extra effort which came in from my part, which angers me. That I had to deal with this glass ceiling also brings me a massive amount of sorrow. It tells me that I am unworthy because I have to work to break socioeconomic and sociopolitical glass ceilings which are invisible to others. My time has to be spent on equalising inequalities, not on growing myself as a person. As was my experience in therapy: you can treat me, but you cannot cure the inequalities I face at work and outside of work.

Breaking glass ceilings also brings forth a lot of resentment and hatred. Those imposing the glass ceiling on you, make you believe that you are unworthy for not having been able to break it. An unbroken glass ceiling becomes a definition of who you are, and a limitation of your very personality. You are no longer you – you are the millions of people stuck in their inability to break this glass ceiling at once. You feel an immense sense of responsibility to break this glass ceiling, to succeed and improve when you can’t, to push yourself when it is impossible, to keep going and growing despite all the odds. It is an addiction which is as punishing as it is rewarding. But for what? A glass ceiling is still a human limitation. I may break it. But what would happen afterwards? I would be broken on the inside.

I broke the glass ceiling of university. But in the process, I had two nervous breakdowns. One before university and one during university. I broke the glass ceiling of career growth. But in the process, I had a mental breakdown. For me, breaking the glass ceilings have cost me my happiness, my health, my energy, my time and my self love. They have pushed me to deplete myself in every way possible. They have pushed me to drive my growth in every area possible. It is the most exhausting process if done invisibly, and it is always done invisibly.

How can I continue to build the highway towards authentic self worth and self empowerment?

Through a massive overhaul of what I believe is necessary and true for my life. I may have shattered glass ceilings, but I sacrificed much more than what was required and too often. I put the breakage of the glass ceiling above my wellbeing and my intellect. Above my happiness and emotional healing. Truth be told, I matter much more than a glass ceiling. My authentic self worth and self empowerment matter much more than a glass ceiling. Instead of chasing the glass ceiling and trying to break it all the time, I need to build the highway towards authentic self worth and self empowerment. It is crucial that I commit myself to this fully.

How can building the highway towards authentic self worth and self empowerment break a glass ceiling?

Well, the process opens up so much in life that you have been ignoring just to break open this ceiling. It also reminds you that your highest potential lies in authentic self worth and self empowerment. It is a powerful, crucial reminder that you are you when you are well. Anything that is not you is not worth it, no matter how many glass ceilings it shatters. You deserve to have the highway towards authentic self worth and self empowerment above all gifts in life. You deserve to break open the hardest glass ceiling of all – your lack of self worth and self empowerment. You need to shatter this and break free.

I pledge to shatter the hardest glass ceiling for me – my lack of self worth and self empowerment – by building the highway towards authentic self worth and self empowerment: I pledge to break free from my lack of self worth and self empowerment.

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Self Worth and Growing Up With A Family History of Mental Illness

How can I accept my family history of mental illness and continue to build the highway towards authentic self worth and self empowerment?

One of the hardest things for me to accept and admit to is and always has been the fact that I have a history of mental illness. That my experience of mental illness is not mine alone, that I have been witnessing several experiences, several incidents and several cases of mental health issues in my caregiver’s family. I have always fought hard to suppress and deny this part of my life, because it brought me a great deal of grief, pain and shame. Because I was afraid of being judged and afraid of being mocked for having a caregiver and an extended family where other individuals had mental health issues as well.

How can I accept that I have a family history of mental illness and continue to build the highway towards authentic self worth and self empowerment?

By acknowledging my experiences with it, and accepting them, and holding space for myself and my emotions.

Growing up, I was made aware of the tragic passing away of my mother’s first cousin during his youth. The very unfortunate incident occurred when his symptoms of depression, psychosis and suicidal thoughts went unrecognisable, and thus undiagnosed and untreated. The immediate trigger was a conflict regarding his supposedly sub-par academic performance. My great aunt and uncle, as well as the siblings of my first cousin once-removed mourn his passing to this day; a massive tragedy in the history of our family.

I got a painful, tragic lens into mental illness through the experiences that my caregiver faced as they grappled with depression and psychosis. The day after they had a nervous breakdown in our block of apartments after having attacked another child, I was immediately packed into a car with a number of clothes – there was not even enough time to properly pack them, as they hung inside the car – and shipped over to my aunt’s house, where I stayed for around three weeks as my caregiver recovered, slowly. I witnessed them laughing and talking to themselves in our apartment in Brussels, and spending hours and hours of time alone, staring into space. I felt deeply helpless, and full of grief to the point where I began to block out these experiences from my memory. To the point where I began to avoid being around when I would witness them experience symptoms of severe depression. I would feel strange and full of anxiety that my caregiver would engage in risky behaviours. Or perhaps commit suicide. This used to keep me awake at night, and that prevented me from having better mental health.

Being wrongly exposed to the untreated and mismanaged mental health conditions of my immediate and extended family members had a trauma rising impact on my wellbeing.

The experience caused me to develop a severe amount of anxiety about my caregiver’s wellbeing. Because they were not being treated properly and their illness was being neglected by my other caregiver – as part of their abuse – I was left feeling utterly responsible. I felt an immense amount of pressure being an emotional caregiver to my caregiver, at such a young age, when I was struggling to fit in in school in a foreign country, and failing to properly manage the emotions from the traumatic incidents I witnessed at home. The experience was deeply pressurising and caused me to develop feelings of severe depression and anxiety. I was continuously worried about my caregiver to the point where I became suicidal, and felt utterly and completely trapped in this sordid, dark reality with my caregiver, whose symptoms progressively got worse and worse. Whose attempts to hide the symptoms of her illness got worse and worse. Whose attempts to become better became harder as time passed.

I felt utterly crushed and traumatised by the process of witnessing my caregiver’s progression into depression, which increased over time. As an emotional caregiver, I felt depleted, depressed and suicidal.

I witnessed my sibling’s painful and sudden descent into mental illness, as they entered university in a foreign country and environment. The experience left me feeling utterly tired and helpless. I couldn’t do much to assist them and yet felt continuously responsible for not being able to protect them from mental illness. I had tried my best to shield them from the painful incidents that occurred at home, had tried my best to take care of them. But the experience witnessing my sibling’s mental illness traumatised me to the point where I could no longer think about what was the healthy or correct way to continue recovering. To continue living my life because I didn’t believe that I deserved to live.

Having adopted the role of emotional and perhaps pastoral caregiver to my sibling, I was traumatised by the struggles they faced in recognising, being diagnosed and treated for bi-polar disorder and schizophrenia.

More stories emerged. I learned of my first-cousin’s diagnosis of bi-polar disorder, after he experienced post traumatic stress from the sudden near-death experience of his own Father. I learned of the continuous experience with chronic depression my aunt faced, after being subject to domestic violence, neglect and abuse by her Husband and her in-laws. I learned of the depression my other first Cousin and her mother encountered following a painfully abusive marriage, ending in a bitter separation. The experience my younger Cousin has with depression due to her father’s illness and near death experience breaks my heart, as she was very young and witnessed an immense trauma.

When my Cousin released his first movie at the age of 22, it was about suicide. My aunt who experienced difficulties in her marriage and neglect developed depression. When I had a conversation with another aunt about mental illness, she summed up the fact that virtually everyone in my family had some form of mental illness.

What do I find to be the hardest part of my experience with my family history of mental illness?

I find the hardest part to be my inability to do anything about it. I have to witness my family members go through such horrific experiences and simply observe. It is like an Orwellian torture practice, witnessing one relative after another experience depression, anxiety, bi-polar disorder or some other form of mental illness. It makes you feel as if you cannot do anything for yourself. Or for anyone else. You feel tortured and yet, you are trapped because you witness your relative suffering inside a glass box, withering away and writhing in pain from their mental illness.

I find the experience of not being able to do anything for my relatives to be the hardest part of witnessing their mental illness.

Feelings of resentment and outrage also linger, at the fact that they are not doing more to treat their illnesses. I feel very suffocated and the outrage comes from my inability to help, but my growing discomfort and guilt surrounding their illness. I feel terrible and yet am unable to do anything about their illness and truly recover from the experience of having to witness them go through it. Perhaps subconsciously, I am blaming them for having inflicted pain upon me; a pain which neither they nor I could cure, a pain neither they nor I had caused. I felt dark and depressed because I couldn’t be more present in their and my own lives because of their experiences with mental illness. It stopped me from truly being able to be there for them and help them recover. It stopped me from truly being able to help them heal and recover.

Deep down, I have been deeply depressed at the fact that I could not help them heal from their experiences with depression and anxiety. I felt deeply guilty and worthless when I was not able to help them heal and recover.

I also feel an immense amount of shame at being related to such individuals. It makes me worry that I can never really talk about my family members in public and with the kind of emotional expression that I truly feel. I have never been able to tell any of my friends or family about this. I have never been able to be honest about the fact that I have several relatives who have experienced mental illness. It leaves me feeling ashamed and tired of being mentally ill. It leaves me feeling ashamed and depressed at the prospect of having to be myself.

I haven’t really had much closure from the experiences that I have witnessed or the reality that I have been in. It has been glued to my psyche and been torturing me on the inside, slowly eating at my self confidence and my self worth.

When will I ever have the confidence to break free from the role of caregiver and mother for all the people in my life and live life for myself?

This is a major reason why I am so perturbed by everyone’s experiences – I believe, subconsciously, that I need to be their caregiver. That I need to be able to help them recover and become their best selves. While this may seem well-intentioned, there is a side to this which sacrifices my own wellbeing for other people. My own happiness for other people. My own sense of self for other people. My own freedom for other people. My own character and personality for other people.

To truly build the highway towards authentic self worth and self empowerment, I need to break free from the role of caregiver and start living my life for myself and no one else.

My life is my own. It belongs to me. My wellbeing belongs to me. My happiness belongs to me. My sense of self belongs to me. My freedom belongs to me. My Character and personality belong to me. They do not belong to anyone else.

For me to truly heal from this deeply painful experience, I need to reclaim my life, my Character, my sense of self, my freedom, my personality and my happiness from others. They belong to me, and only to me.

I am responsible and need to reclaim my life, my Character, my sense of self, freedom, personality and happiness from others. They belong to me and only to me. I pledge to reclaim my life, wellbeing, sense of self, personality, freedom and happiness from others and make them my own. This is my human right and I will commit to this for every day of the rest of my life.

Self Worth and the Addiction to Self Destructive Behavior

How can I break the addiction to self destructive behavior and continue to build the highway towards authentic self worth and self empowerment?

I have a continuous, ongoing addiction to self destructive behavior which I have been witnessing rising up again. It is the part of me which is hardest for me to love and accept; the part I tell no one about but somehow everyone is able to witness. The part which has negatively impacted every area of my life.

As I recover from severe depression, general and social anxiety, as well as post traumatic stress disorder, I also need to heal, abandon, reform, and probate my need to become self destructive.

I want to take the first step in admitting that I have a problem with self destructive behavior. I have had this problem for a very long time and it has affected many, many areas of my life and even more individuals. I am here because I want to seek help and I am powerless in terms of controlling my self destructive behavior.

How can I continue to reform my self destructive behavior and continue to build the highway towards authentic self worth and self empowerment?

I first need to understand why I behave self destructively. For me, self destruction is a machine that has been operating based on the self destructive framework. From a very young age, I witnessed all forms of abuse and traumatic violence. I was so deeply traumatised by the experience and did not confess to a professional how I was feeling. The deep feelings – inexplicable at the time – triggered off my tendency to be self destructive.

What was the first incident which triggered off my self destructive behavior?

To my knowledge, it was the first act of brutal physical violence that I witnessed between my caregivers, which involved weapons. I became self destructive not long afterwards, having witnessed the cruelty which didn’t end, the fact that my other caregiver had to lie about where they got that bruise on their eye. The amount of dishonesty, lack of integrity and intense hatred made me act out rebelliously and defiantly in a self destructive manner. I was triggered off by emotions of outrage, shock, frustration, resentment, betrayal, hatred, sadness, and rage.

Which emotions trigger off my self destructive behavior?

Outrage.

Shock.

Frustration.

Betrayal.

Anger.

Sadness.

Hatred.

Humiliation.

Rage.

Unworthiness.

Self hatred.

Self shaming.

Loneliness.

Feeling at a loss for words.

Aloneness.

Jealousy.

Negative emotions trigger off my self destructive behavior.

How intense do the negative emotions have to be, for me to want to act out in a self destructive manner?

They have to be deeply intense. For some emotions, however, they simply need to be marginally intense.

The intensity at which emotions exist trigger off my self destructive behavior.

At the heart of my self destructive behavior is an inability to manage my emotions constructively internally.

So what can stop my self destructive behavior from taking place? From coming outside my head?

  1. Journaling. 3000 words daily.
  2. Mindfulness meditation – 20 minutes in the morning and 20 minutes in the evening.
  3. Regular therapy. At least 1 hour per week.
  4. Regular medication consumption.
  5. Drink 8 glasses of water a day.

These will take place on a daily basis. But what about stopping myself from turning to self destructive behavior. How can I change that?

Self destructive behavior signifies a mindset which is attuned to addiction. It signifies a relationship with oneself which is unhealed. It signifies a lack of impulse control. I struggle with impulse control, deep down, because of how depressed I am. Because of how miserable I am.

To stop myself from turning to self destructive behavior, I have to put a massive effort into stopping myself from becoming miserable.

I need to first admit that I am miserable. This is one of the hardest things, if not the hardest thing for me to admit. I hate admitting to people that I am miserable because it makes me look like a total loser. It makes me look pathetic and as if I have not done anything to make my life better.

I also need to admit that I have done nothing to change my misery. On a scale of 1-10, I am perhaps a 8.87 level of miserable right now. This needs to change. I really don’t want to be miserable every single day.

To build the highway towards authentic self worth and self empowerment, I need to take responsibility for being miserable and take responsibility for ending my misery.

Self Worth and Feeling Depressed

How can I overcome routine relapses to continue building the highway towards authentic self worth and self empowerment?

I have been feeling depressed these past two weeks. Severely depressed. I struggled to write articles for this page, and was consumed with depression. I abandoned my wellness course. I didn’t do any of the move in tasks I had planned for myself. I didn’t even buy myself new toiletries, set up my bank account or change my cell number! I have been struggling with the depression of returning back home and not being able to accept the temporary stage I am in. I feel trapped.

How can I overcome this need to label myself and continue to build the highway towards authentic self worth and self empowerment?

I think, deep down, I am still stuck in a non-acceptance of myself. This is what continues to harp and impede my progress regardless of my circumstances. Employed or unemployed, in my parents’ home or abroad, I am basically refusing to accept any circumstances I am in. Deep down, I am rejecting where and how I am, because I constantly believe that I am not doing well enough. That I am not good enough how I am, where I am. This is the one constant that has not changed, regardless of where I’ve moved to.

How can I change my unworthiness and continue to build the highway towards authentic self worth and self empowerment?

I first need to understand why this is constantly reinforced subconsciously. My experiences of cross-cultural bullying at virtually each location that I lived in made it difficult for me to regard myself as good enough. I struggled with the fact that my mannerisms, my way of living, my personality and who I was were different, and hence, wrong. Deep down, I was and am struggling with a feeling of being wrong; a feeling a coach pointed out to me a Long time back.

My non acceptance of who I am, where I am, comes from a subconscious feeling of being “wrong”.

I believed that I was wrong after the kind of caregiving I was subject to as a child. When I made even small mistakes, I was scolded extremely harshly by my caregivers. Comments would be made on my behavioral patterns, my supposed “lack of intelligence” and my lack of regard for myself. Instead of correcting my behavior, it led me to subconsciously develop an attachment to being “wrong”, as I was subject to criticisms about everything when I made a mistake. I was never given the space to separate myself from the mistake, and was often treated much more harshly and abusively than what the mistake deemed necessary. I remember being purposefully tripped by one of my caregivers when I was 6 years old and my relatives had come to visit; I was skipping around in the room, and my caregiver tripped me, causing me to burst into tears in front of the guests. I felt humiliated and ashamed for being myself, I also felt deeply hurt, angry and betrayed by my caregiver for being so cruel as to humiliate me in front of a large group of people. This feeling gave me a very intense feeling of anger, which to be quite honest, I had been holding in my being for a long time.

I was purposefully and intentionally treated cruelly by my caregivers, leading me to develop feelings of toxic shame and self hatred, as well as betrayal and intense hurt.

I could never reconcile why they would want to treat me this way. I remember once, my mother beat me severely in front of our guests, when I was 7 years old, for refusing to give one of them a ball. I felt deeply ashamed of myself and intensely angry for being humiliated this way. I couldn’t accept the fact that my personality had been damaged in that way in front of my Cousin, for a very small matter. Being beaten severely to the point of having water poured over me when I was fully clothed, and having my head banged against a wall is cruel and not disciplinarian behavior. It left me feeling intensely hurt for many years. I could never understand or rationalise why my mother would treat me this way.

A sense of self hatred quickly came about as I began to struggle with my sense of self. I could no longer see myself as a worthy individual. I was instead someone to be hated and disliked, someone that was depressed and by definition, unworthy. I felt deeply rejected by the experiences I had and couldn’t really accept why I was being mistreated so much. After all, I was a relatively timid child. I was definitely autistic and therefore had a tendency to have meltdowns, but I rarely associated with people outside the home, mostly enjoyed activities that involved just me and was generally quite a quiet and pleasant child who enjoyed reading.

I still feel immensely wronged. There was no rhyme or reason to mistreat me. Instead, my parents should have been putting in their efforts to try and nurture me as a child, to build my sense of self esteem and personal wellbeing. To help me grow and mature as a person with autism. Perhaps deep down, I am repressing a significant amount of rage and resentment at having been mistreated, neglected and abused as a child. None of which I deserved.

Sometimes when a lie is repeated so often, it then becomes the truth. I was told so frequently that I was wrong or that I had done something wrong, that I began to truly believe it with the whole of my being. After all, the individuals in my life who were responsible for caring for me saw me as wrong. Was I truly capable of calling myself as righteous if even the closest people to me held such a negative opinion about me? To detach myself from these opinions involves recognising the personalities of my caregivers and why this belief was imposed upon me.

My caregivers had a very strict parenting style which encompasses different areas of growth. There were extremely high expectations for behavior, responsibility and academic performance. Punishment – though never corporal for academics – was doled out verbally if we didn’t perform academically to the required standards. This was also accompanied by a significant involvement by extended family members, who attempted to police and govern other aspects of my being; my appearance and attire, as well as my social interactions. This was accompanied by a foreign culture; the need to instill our own values into us was thus quite important for my parents, who did so through a deep sense of fundamental strictness. Growing up, there were strict restrictions on our outings, and travel. All free time was to be spent with family; as compared to my classmates, I had very few play dates. We rarely engaged in family bonding or growth activities; most of our activities were very fundamental to our functionality, like shopping for groceries or visiting the Doctor. We rarely had any growth in other areas, whatsoever.

Growing up, I was also witness to a significant degree of domestic violence and abuse. My caregivers had developed a very conflicting relationship which had abusive elements. While my extended relatives were aware of this, they did nothing to stop it. I had to witness a significant amount of abuse and bear a significant amount of abuse.

Abuse is a form of behavior which is exacted when an individual dislikes another but cannot really express the source of their dislike effectively and with appropriate healthy mechanisms. Or perhaps chooses not to. Individuals who engage in abuse are subconsciously enacting patterns they have witnessed to express negative emotions towards others they consider to be somehow more vulnerable or weakened in a sense. As a child, my sheer age and physical development made me vulnerable and susceptible to physical, verbal and emotional abuse from someone who would be physically more dominant and capable of enacting physical harm. My neurodiverse tendencies also made it made more susceptible to violent behavior at the hands of individuals who refused to change and adapt their parenting style to help me grow. Or perhaps felt deeply resentful of the fact that I had to be patented, or parented differently.

I was made a victim of violent behavior because as a neurodiverse child, I was physically incapable of fighting back, due to my sheer size and physical capabilities (or lack thereof).

I find it deeply difficult to accept what has happened to me. I find it deeply difficult to forgive what has happened to me. Inside my heart, I know that I did not do anything to provoke abusive treatment and that I never will. However, I have been abused by individuals who abused me not because of anything I had done, but because of my sheer size, which made it difficult for me to fight back.

Similarly, I find it deeply difficult to accept what happened to me at work. I was verbally and emotionally abused by my manager. Not because I was performing poorly or because of any other reason, but simply because I was a more junior staff member, I was a member of a sociopolitical minority, and I was female. Most importantly, I was in need of this job and did not want to be fired from it.

To build the highway towards authentic self worth and self empowerment, I must accept that the abuse I faced was not my fault and never will be.

My mind will always find reasons for why the abuse was my fault. Always. I want to change that and write a list of 100 reasons why the abuse was not my fault.

100 reasons why the abuse was not my fault at work or at home –

  1. I had never committed a crime of any kind like drug peddling or murder, which would warrant abusive treatment.
  2. I had never sought to be a target of abusive treatment.
  3. I had never hoped to be a target of abusive treatment.
  4. Because of the massive gap in age, physical size, financial means, or position, I cannot be considered as posing a threat of any kind to the abuser.
  5. I was neurodiverse but I did not seek to intentionally cause any problems at home or in the workplace.
  6. I had very unique needs that were not being met, which would cause me to respond in a unique way. This did not pose a threat to anyone of any kind.
  7. I was a timid and very quiet, if not socially anxious individual. I struggled to relate to others and tended to keep to myself.
  8. I was generally someone who tried to do the right thing, sought to do well and was reasonably hard working.

I want to interrupt this list by saying something right now. It is becoming more and more clear that the people who carried this out are deeply narcissistic individuals who are very toxic, and were just looking for a victim of their abuse. There was no real conflict, no real threat, no real behavioural trigger and no real cause for there to be a conflict that would warrant abuse. Any and all abuse doled out was the cause and the fault of the abuser.

So why did these people choose me of all people to abuse? Why not choose anyone else? What makes me the victim of abuse in this case?

When an abuser selects a victim, they typically go for two things – susceptibility and vulnerability. Someone who abuses a victim typically hopes the victim will be someone who is vulnerable.

Vulnerable can be of any kind. Any. The abuser simply needs to perceive and identify a vulnerability. Be it a transgender individual in a cisgender environment, or a foreigner in a local environment, a woman in a male dominated environment; or a mentally ill person in an unsupportive environment. Most of these people are generally seeking to identify a vulnerability they can then exploit for their emotional and psychological dominance.

Abusers have a need to feel important. They usually use a vulnerable person – someone THEY identify as vulnerable, to be the person they denigrate to feel important as individuals.

Abusers are conversely, deeply emotionally unstable and have a highly vulnerable sense of self esteem. The reason why they feel the need to verbally express their frustration by bringing down others is because they are insecure. They don’t feel comfortable where there are. This exists everywhere, including in a psychiatric ward. This is the principle of hierarchy.

Abusers have a really vulnerable sense of self esteem, which when threatened, they will usually respond to with some form of abusive behavior.

Abuse is their way of negating any threats to their self esteem. It is also their way of regulating their deeply unstable emotional body. They have no sense of self esteem and that is what deprives them of emotional management in social situations. Instead, they are like social parasites, they need a host to feed off of.

Abusers are the social parasites of today, they need a host to feed off of and require that person to be vulnerable and thus, capable of receiving their abuse.

Unfortunately, I had the misfortune of working with such parasites. They had obviously been struggling with a deeply weak sense of self esteem, which had become narcissistic. It led them to abuse people and take advantage of them. It led them to become inhumane. It led them to destroy people’s lives. I am ashamed to have worked for such toxic individuals and I owe myself the biggest apology for this.

Self Worth and Healing – Day 1

How can I begin the healing journey and build the highway towards authentic self worth and self empowerment?

In line with my intention, I begin the first day of my healing journey to build the highway towards authentic self worth and self empowerment.

What does my body need to heal?

From the list of things I noted down, I can categorise them accordingly –

  1. Physical Tasks – improvements in diet, daily exercise and relaxation and mindfulness activities. Therapy for depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder. Therapy to improve the relationships I have, including the one with myself to improve and develop authentic self worth and self empowerment. Cutting out toxic people from my life. Assertiveness training and therapy. Personal development therapy. Authenticity projects and personal development courses and tasks, both large and ad-hoc. De-cluttering my personal items, both new and old. Trips, and travelling/tourism strictly for leisure purposes. Physical checkup with doctor to discuss and seek assistance for insomnia, management and treatment of mental illnesses. Regular physical checkups with doctor. Update my resume and CV to reflect my career goals and not the present reality. Wardrobe improvement and update projects. Room design, improvement and update projects. Personal hobby development projects. Financial management course and training. Resource management course, training and projects. Environmental resource management course, and projects.

These are the actionable steps. However, after tonight’s emotionally and verbally abusive incident at home, I am fully convinced that certain areas of focus need to be adopted.

I need to work to release feelings of toxic shame.

I need to work to release feelings of toxic humiliation and abandonment.

I need to stand up for myself a lot more.

I will work to incorporate these into my life with the most intense force. These are the elements of growth that will give me the most power.

Now, I need to make a pledge of integrity to myself –

I pledge to carry out my intention for this year with the greatest integrity possible. I will work to carry out the physical activities and work every day for the actions required. I will work to put the greatest amount of energy into the loops to maximise my potential.

My 24th Year of Life

What is my intention for my 24th year of life? What do I seek and what do I plan on leaving behind? What are things I hope to work on? How can I keep building the highway towards authentic self worth and self empowerment?

This year, my intention is to build the highway towards authentic self worth and self empowerment. The main modality I want to do this through, is healing. I want to work on my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health and heal them.

This is a process that will require a significant degree of focus. It will require a deep amount of effort and concentration for myself and my overall goals.

I pledge to build the highway towards authentic self worth and self empowerment, through healing, focusing on my physical, mental, emotional, spiritual health.